Fashion Underworld..

I recently traveled to New York City to buy designer handbags. Some people may head straight for Fifth Ave., but we were looking for maximum style at minimum cost. We were hunting for da bootleg, or as I often correct curious clowns attempting to call me out, the replica. Now let me say this. If you're a label whore who worships overpriced shit because it has a certain designer's name on it, you should never rock a bootleg--that's like blasphemy. You'll certainly spend eternity in fashion hell. It will be like one huge Wal-Mart with aggressive Victoria Secret sales reps asking you a never-ending series of questions. And when you get to checkout, the line will be super long and after you wait for hours you'll discover that you don't have any money. Then you'll have to put everything back and tomoorrow you'll start over with the same belief that you have money this time, only to realize that you're still broke.

Replicas are for sensible people who understand that style shouldn't keep you from eating, traveling or paying bills entirely and on time. Now, back to my story.

We had no idea how things worked, all we knew was that you go to Canal Street. So we went. I looked in several booths with cute bags, but the bootlegs were horrible! They really weren't bootlegs I guess because they didn't say any designer name. They may say "Pegus" instead of "Prada," that type of stuff. That's a safe purchase if you don't mind looking like shit. To get to the good stuff you have to listen to the lady who quietly asks, "You want Louis Vuitton?" as you walk by. If she has a little sheet of paper in her hand with pictures of the styles, she's official. Say something like, "How much?" or "Where?" (But don't waste time asking a bunch of other questions because many of our leads didn't understand English. They'd give an affirmative nod to anything and I'd look like a jack ass saying, "But she said...") She'll always say, "Follow Me."

Whoo hoo!! Now I'm shopping. I followed several different Asian people into steamy, hot quarters in the bowels of the train stations. Behind solid doors that could only be opened from the inside, there were tons of designer bags. Prada, Louis, Coach, Fendi, Dior whatever you want. But one group of people were kinda weird because there are lots of rooms with great bags, but if you tried to snoop in to a room that you weren't invited to they'd slam the door. So, you have to go back on the street and start over with a new person who can take you back and get you into a different room. Kinda fun.

Then there are folks who have replicas stashed in closets or in the back of the store. You'll think you've seen it all, but if you say the right thing, a door pops open or you're lead to the back. It's the most exhilarating shopping I've done in a while because it's criminal. The person leading you to a secret location is always looking over their shoulder, making sure no one's following or watching. Then once inside there's a "boss" character who will talk prices with you. Or laugh at you, or kick you out trying to cop bags for the low low, all of which happened to us.

I saw all types of people shopping in the steamy secret locations, people who looked like they would never carry a knock-off. We smiled a smart people smile at each other as we rubbed shoulders in the hot closests.

The prices are CHEAP, but since there are several grades of bootlegs, some things just can't sell for $20. Some just look like the real thing, others are marked like the real thing, and some feel and look like the real thing. The prices go up depending on how real you wanna get. I saw a Louis Vuitton watch sell for less than $10. (Not to me, because it didn't have numbers and I can barely tell time. I roll with digital watches.) The point is this: Shopping for replicas is more fun if you go straight to the source. You could buy from the middle man, who will make 100% profit, but dipping into unmarked locations with strangers is exciting.

Disclaimer: Asians aren't the only people selling bootlegs.That's just who I spoke with. I also met some wonderful bootleggers from African nations. And as we all know Americans would rule the fashion underworld if we had the connections.