My big fat abnoxious weekend in South Beach

Don't you hate it when you plan a great vacation and anticipate it everyday only to have someone or something ruin your perfect getaway?

This has happened to me more than once. The time that the hurricane followed me and my best friends to Jamaica has to be the worst. But the one thing I learned from that trip was that my girls are amazing women who can still smile and laugh through any situation. We didn't have running water or electricity for days and we still came home with jokes. So, I mention that because I recently planned a lovely weekend at this expensive hotel pictured above in South Beach. I just came back from this vacation that was supposed to be so wonderful, but was basically ruined. There wasn't a storm, my luggage wasn't lost, I didn't get robbed- well, kinda. This one young lady tried to steal my joy with her bad attitude. More importantly, I am out of more money than I should be because she was very inconsiderate and refused to do anything that anyone else wanted to do or could afford to do. If she did, she was grumpy about it which is hard for normal people who care about others' feelings to deal with. Let's call her Snobonika (Snob-o-ni-kah). Got that?

Examples of how one snob pissed on my South Beach weekend:

You wouldn't be hungry if you didn't have that budget:

We're at a restaurant that's crazy expensive, meaning you've gotta be crazy to pay what they were asking for that food. Three out of the five people at the table can't afford to waste money on the meal and say so. Snobonika orders food and asks the broke people to please have a drink while she gets full on overpriced food, which by the way she's not going to share. The broke people can't really afford the drinks either so they drink water..

Rich people have special digestive systems

One not rich person asks Snobonika to check into affordable restaurants for the next night's dinner because everyone wants to eat seafood, but they don't want to over pay. Snobonica refuses to check into affordable restaurants then approaches one not rich person to say "I'm worried about where you guys want to eat tonight because I can't eat cheap seafood, I'll get sick." I bet you didn't know this, but apparently people who live life on a budget have special coatings in their stomachs that allow them to digest garbage, kind of like goats. Consider it God's gift to the people he didn't bless with trust funds. Now that I know this, I've started eating random items that I find in my desk for lunch. Today I had a ketchup packet (without opening it), paper clips and an old eraser topped with crushed red peppers that I didn't finish the last time I had pizza. Fuck Subway, on this budget, I'll be eating filet mignon in no time!

My pancake brings all the boys to the yard

Snobonika has to be the center of attention at all times. If she isn't, it's probably someone else's fault. Apparently having money makes you irresistibly sexy, but sometimes poorer women can steal your shine so you have to take matters into your own hands. If Snobonika sees a friend dancing with a boy and having fun, she'll pretend to be her lesbian lover and "save" her from the guy. Where I'm from we call this cock-blocking, not a good look, plus some foxy guy nearby may think you're really a lesbian. Or worse, one of those dumb bitches that dances closely with girls in the club just to get attention. Eeeew.

Are you with them?

The room we stayed in was booked for two people, but we always had four girls staying there. We add one more girl because she's far too cool not to have around, plus she lived nearby. Snobonica nearly had a panic attack once she got to the hotel and felt like we may be arrested if the hotel found out we had more than two people in the room. Beyond that she determined that she wasn't one of the extra people in the room, but one of the two who belonged. She added her name to the room (she didn't book it) just to be on the safe side. As if that wasn't enough security, she constantly reprimanded the not rich girls who didn't belong for dealing with hotel staff and refused to be seen with them by the pool or at the beach. It was actually a blessing, but her paranoia wore off on everyone. We'd all get stiff like roaches if housekeeping knocked on the door, ordering extra towels made her nervous, and I even found myself discussing the fact that I answered a question about the room when the doorman addressed us as a group. The funny thing is that I grew up lying to hotels about how many people stay in the room. My mom ingrained that into our whole family, as most working class moms did. Even today I also say there are two guests in my room no matter who's coming.

Are you comfortable?

Oh and Snobonika was constantly asking when the fifth girl was leaving. Not only is that rude, but since girl five is my girl, being rude could get you cut. She was sharing a bed with me and my girl, not Snobonika and her girl. But Snob kept asking her if she was comfortable.. Um, all three of us are a little less comfy than we would be..duh! So when we suggested that maybe we should leave and get a new room at another hotel for the cool kids, Snobonika was like -that's fine. (Poke in eyeballs, uppercut, uppercut...) Maybe now is a good time to tell you that this whole trip was Snobonika's idea, she lives in another country and wanted us to come together. But she was willing to send two of her girls away because they had another friend?

I could go on and on the full has never been told ~ Buju Banton "Untold Stories"

This list could go on, I'm not even mentioning the self-esteem issues (any time she's corrected you're making her feel stupid). Or the fact that she bragged about how much money she had on her in cash (she can't take her cash home because the currency is stronger back home), but never offered to pay for the $5 cab. Ooops, I just mentioned it.


Now, I'd like to wax poetic about the significance of money among friends, family and lovers. Money is not the root of all evil, but the love of money is. This snobby girl has always had lots of money, it wasn't until recently that she decided her money was more important than anything else. In her mind, this money has weakened her survival skills. She can't eat cheap food or she'll get sick. (Bitch, you used to eat at cheap Mexican restaurants all the time!) If she doesn't stay in the most expensive hotels she may come in contact with some airborne disease that middle class and low-class people are immune to. (I remember sharing a room in a apartment/hotel with this chick in the Dominican Republic. It was so cheap that people could live there for weeks, and we were the only hotel guests at the whole damn place!) If she doesn't point out that she's rich, she may lose her value all together. (When no one knew you were rich, they loved you! Now, your a slave to a page in my blog.) It's just ridiculous but the poor thing has fallen in love with her money and completely lost her mind.

I know some other folks who love their money more than they can ever love another human and in turn many people hate them. Falling in love with your money seems to be a slippery slope kinda like alcoholism. It starts with excessive shopping, then you start sleeping in brand new clothes with the tags on and using shoe boxes for pillows... Eventually, I hear that some of them actually masturbate to their online bank accounts instead of good old fashioned porn sites.

If you see this happening to yourself, get help before it's too late.