Micky D, I hate you

Today I ate my first McGriddle. I had an egg and cheese version. All I have to say is what the fuck was that? I'm a grown ass woman, why the hell would I want a flat piece of griddled muffin bread with syrup and eggs and cheese in the middle? What is that bread? OK, I just spoke to a co-worker about this, funny how she walked in and asked how my McGriddle was while I was in the middle of my rant. She says the bread is an English Muffin. But it has a "M" stamped on the top! She explained that that is the McGriddle M. I think the unncessary branding makes the meal that much weirder. I can't even imagine what the meat would taste like with this. Where did they develop this idea? It reminds me of something my mom would yell at me for creating when I should have been eating my food as a kid. It reminds me of a conversation I had over the weekend with a friend. We talked about all of the stupid mess we ate as kids.. you know, the claydough, dirt, that paste glue. I laughed at how I'd put nearly anything in my mouth during play ground sessions and creative art time in elementary school. But not now!

Please, McDonald's hear my cry: Put this shit on the kids menu and stop telling adults to come to your raggedy ass stores to stand in line and wait for this hot garbage. Also, please go check on the store on Eastern Avenue near College Park, Md. There's a young lady working there who moves like she's under water. They also allow delivery trucks to park in the drive thru forcing everyone to come inside and be frustrated. Sincerely, a very rare customer.

I shall return..

Joe's Apartment

Remember that flick about the guy who lived with tons of roaches?? Well, I know a person who's in a similar situation and just can't handle it. I won't share her name, but this is what happens when I tell you about my blog and you never visit. So, she's sending a letter to her landlords, who are TOTAL slum lords, about the situation. She has to put everything in writing b/c this is a serious situation.

But I still think this letter is hilarious so I will share a snippet. Here goes:

First of all I appreciate you finally coming to fix and replace the items that needed fixing since 4/28. However, I am stilling having problems with roaches. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t kill at least two or more roaches. Roaches crawling all over the kitchen, roaches on my dinette table, roaches in my brand new microwave, roaches in my bed, roaches crawling in the kitchen sink, on the sink, hiding behind scrub pads, crawling on the side of the refrigerator door, there are even roaches in the oven, dead of course. It’s a good thing I hardly use the oven because I would hate to find a roach in my casserole. Open the cabinet doors and roaches come falling out. Every time I go to open my cabinets, I have to be on guard with roach spray.
On March 17th I spoke to the manager who informed me she would put me on the pest control list permanently. Two weeks went by and no pest control. I called the office and found out I have to call every week. They really need to come everyday. I am not sure what they are spraying but I have more live roaches than dead.

So there are also some pesky neighbors in her building which she adresses later in the letter:
Just this morning, I found a beer bottle in front of door steps. Why is someone leaving their beer bottle in front of my door? I hope the person who did this has more common sense than to think I would be stupid enough to leave a beer bottle outside my own door. Every week there is trash on my patio. Today it’s a beer bottle top and wrappers from crackers. Last week it was a french fry box from Wendy’s. When is it ever going to stop? I am beginning to wonder if this is being done on purpose. Not saying that it is but why don’t these people use their trash cans?

Because they're losers? Or maybe, it's not their trash, but the roaches trash! Those roaches are probably partying their lazy asses off while she's at work paying for their apartment. Man, I had to live with roaches once. I dealt with it for like 2 weeks before I had Tony Montana moment and slayed them all. At first, I didn't know what the bugs were, then when I looked them up on the Internet and learned that when you see one that means there's overcrowding in their hiding places, it was a wrap. I could barely sleep at night, and they never even made it into my bedroom! It wasn't a laughing matter for me at the time, but now that I look back it was kinda funny. And I know exactly how my girl is feeling. I would be sleeping in the damn leasing office, answering phones after hours and telling people not to live there. Eating the cookies they lay out for the guest.

Oh one of my worst experiences with roaches was while visiting a sexy boy. I'll spare details of just how sexy he was.. or what my nickname for him was.. But NOW his nickname is NASTY. (And not in that "boy, you so nasty" way.) He invited me to his apartment and there were 'nuff roaches- everywhere! In his only defense, I'll say that he was living with someone else who already occupied the apartment, so the roaches were definitely there already. I tried to ignore them and watch TV, but I went to the bathroom and when I turned on the faucet a roach came out instead of water! I screamed and jumped back- then I'm all looking around to see where the roach's homies are at. They're right there chilling. Dawg, my friend didn't even ask me what was wrong and i know he heard me! He already knew. And so ended our friendship. lol

Shadowboxer...

Man, time flies when you're having fun dudn't it? So, last night I went to see a screening of this new movie Shadowboxer . It will be in theaters on July 21, I think, so take your ass out and see it. Don't bootleg it. I can say that with authority since I've seen it for free. It stars Cuba Gooding Jr., Helen Mirren and chick who looks like Angelina Jolie and Mo'Nique is in there too. So is Macy Gray, but they don't have large roles. It's directed and produced by Lee Daniels, the black filmmaker who did The Woodsman and Monster's Ball. When we were leaving the theater people were comparing him to Quentin Tarantino.

The movie was kinda disturbing and had lots of shock value.. I mean, you remember how awkard you felt when Halle Barry was begging Billy Bob's scruffly racist ass to make her feel good?? Um, that moment was in this film like three times. Cuba and Helen Mirren are lovers and contract killers, OH and they're step son and step mom.. so there's plenty of sex and violence, sometimes simultaneously. [To all the guys reading this: Earmuffs.] I saw Cuba's ass at least three times! Not bad, Cuba, not bad. It had great definition, not too thin or flat... And there was full frontal nudity... ALAS! It wasn't Cuba's penis. It was the bad guy's dingaling, but I'll take it. There was a scene were Cuba did a stripper dance for Helen and he was moving pretty nicely. Had the abs all rippled up, to what song? "The Cross" by Nas! That's what I'm talking bout!

But, wait. Do you see the couple? See Helen up there in that photo? Can you imagine them f-king? Not, making love. Not kissing and fading to black.. humping! That's the uncomfortable part of the film. For me, it wasn't Helen's race, it was her age. I know I'll have wrinkles in a few years, but.. I don't know what else I can say about that.

So, the coolest part of the evening was before the movie. I was starving and there was a reception at a posh sushi restaurant that had open bar and free sushi. Dawg, I must have consumed a good $40 worth of food and drinks in less than an hour. Sushi is expensive and the martinis are too! The best shit I ate was called a volcano roll, it had tempura shrimp topped with warm crab meat shredded and tossed in a spicy mustard...Dee-lish. Anywho, Another interesting part of the evening was that Mo'Nique was at the screening along with Vivica Fox (in a tight dress of course. I bet she just has piles and piles of those damn things.) and the director of the film and his staff and whatnot. Vivica was all like, Mo'Nique is my girl. I love her! And basically she was saying that there aren't many women in Hollywood, much less black hollywood that look out for each other. Apparently Mo'Nique is one of them. Mo'Nique got up and gushed over how cool Vivica is too..

Oh, Mo'Nique had her new husband with her. But I hear that he's batting for the wrong team and that she knows that but because they've been best friends for years, she married him and had his twin babies. Sounds like the "Will & Grace" theory. I mean she was saying that she never had feelings for him before and that they started having sex and the babies weren't planned. He used to live with her and her now ex-husband at one point. When she told her ex that she was getting with the best friend she says he was shocked to hear. Now, I don't know how true the rumor is, but I do know that the only man who would be allowed to live with me and any man I've dated so far, would have to be gay. And there are absolutely no grown women allowed in my house for longer than a week. I don't give a crap who your mama is to me, Bye! So, that makes me think that the husband didn't see him as a threat, confirming that he could have been, you know. I will say that he was well groomed and the way he walked made me look at his hips. Hmmm....

Can't think of what else I was going to tell you. So, maybe I'll return later. If you're lucky.

What war?

So I'm reading the news today and I run across this line that just seems wrong. It just can't be true. I'm thinking that I'm having comprehension problems or this sentence is poorly edited.. Here it is:
"The House of Representatives capped its first formal debate about the war in Iraq today by voting 256 to 153 to declare its support for the war and America's determination to prevail."

The part I'm struggling with is that the House just had it's FIRST FORMAL DEBATE on the war in Iraq. Dawg, I've been debating that shit with friends and family for years. What the hell have our elected officials been discussing? Why did the U.S. troop death toll have to reach 2,500 for everyone to find time to discuss? And 2,500 doesn't include civilians, Iraqi and other foreign troops. Not that I wasn't disappointed in this branch of our government before, but come on. In what other industry or field can you wait until 2,500 employees die BEFORE the decision makers sit down and discuss what's really going on? Hmm.. wait I'm thinking. I can't think of any. From what I've read, the last formal debate about military force in Iraq was in October of 2002. So you vote to send troops into Iraq and don't discuss it again for 4 years? What part of the game is that?!

So today's discussion was about withdrawing troops from Iraq. There was a vote on this in 2005, where only 3 people thought withdrawal was a good idea, so I guess there was little discussion. The timing is actually perfect if you ask me, because a reporter from the L.A. Times pointed out that some democrat officials, who would normally vote to withdraw the troops from Iraq, were too afraid of being labeled non-supporters when elections roll around this November. Great! In fact, it sounds like this entire discussion is being used as an opportunity to make Democrats look weak and unresolved while Republicans support the troops and their mysterious mission to the death. Most Democrats (149) did vote against the resolution, but as we all know that shit doesn't matter because they're the minority anyway.

The Republicans developed this resolution that included the Iraq war with the "War on Terrorism" even though everyone and their mama knows that the Iraq war has nothing to do with the war on terrorism. The resolution also rejects the idea of setting a time table for the withdrawal of troops. I nearly shed a tear for the pussy[willow] Democrats that could do nothing about this wack resolution but whine. House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi from San Francisco, had this to say: "It's really unfortunate, as the president contends that we are fighting for democracy in Iraq, that we can't have democracy on the House floor." Word? Unfortunate, huh? Those are strong words, missy. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

When will the U.S. take politics and war more seriously? Never? Did anyone catch videos of those cats from Chezch or India throwing blows in the parliament? I mean, I'm not saying that we should fist fight, but I need more than sounds bites like, "this is unfortunate." The news reporters should be like, "Folks at home, you may want to ask your children to leave the room before we play the remarks from the House minority leader..." And I need people not to trip when a politician shows passion like Ray Nagan or Howard Dean. It may not be polite, but at least you SEE these fist-throwing democracies doing something other than fundraising. They're at least excited about the issues..

So anyway, the point is that we will continue to spend $9 billion a month on Iraq, even though our elected officials can't agree on what we're fighting for. I hear we loose a battalion a month between deaths and injuries. But that's not a big deal. There's still no exit plan and if you think they're should be then you're not American enough. Only because I need my passport to travel, I will put it out there: MBT supports the troops! Where'd I put my fucking flag?

Speaking of things I can't make up...

This is crazy. I'm committing the cardinal blog sin of cutting and pasting cause I gotz shit to do..

This class is apparently real. It's called: How to Produce, Participate and Profit from Reality Television with Omarosa and Datari Turner

Apparently you learn how to:
* Successfully pitch your ideas
* Carve out your niche
* Impress casting directors and nail the audition
* Turn your great idea into a great treatment
* Pay attention to trends in the marketplace
* Negotiate the best deals.

The price for all of this knowledge? US $ 49.99 / $ 44.99 Members

Your instructor's bio:
Omarosa Manigault Stallworth, is a journalist by trade. As Director of Education and Research for the National Visionary Leadership Project, she oversaw millions in educational funding and media development. She is best known for The Apprentice, with Donald Trump. She has appeared in seven reality shows, including Surreal Life 5, Fear Factor, and Girls Behaving Badly.

* Plus she just got free tits from the Discovery Health channel, the show should air this month or next. Lord knows she needed them. But shouldn't she have to buy them like everyone else?? She even has her mom cashing in on reality TV, she had an extreme plastic makeover done by Discovery Health.

I'm still pissed at Omarosa for making it harder for me to walk into work everyday and be the slightest bit grumpy. Thanks for reinforcing and locking in that black bitch stereotype Omarosa! Why don't you teach a class on how to rise above that shit? Now I have to write this angry blog just to release all of the negative energy I would prefer to just use on my bosses and co-workers at times.
Woo-saaa... happy place, happy place...

Okay, I'm good. Talk later.

I can't make this up

Quickly I want to tell you about this guy I just read about. He's talking to his girlfriend about marriage. She's all like, "I'm not ready." And in her mind she may be thinking, "Plus, you have bad credit and I hate your mama." Who knows why she's not ready, right? Anyway, he starts convincing her that she should take risks. [ With my credit and my martial status?! Yeah, right, Buddy!] That's probably what she's thinking. Anyway, homeboy takes off his clothes and jumps out of their 1st floor window and runs across the street bucking nekkid to prove to her that it's OK to take risks.. [Oh, now I'm really not marrying you're crazy ass.. She may be thinking]

Once he gets across the street he sees a couple heading his way and hides his nudity in the bushes. When the couple gets close, the man walking by notices Risky's bare feet sees the bushes rustling. He pulls out a .40-calibur handgun and forces the naked risk taker out of the bushes. Of course, Mr. Risky is all pissing his invisible undies at this point, so he takes off running. I'm thinking this is a normal reaction, regardless of whether or not wifey is watching. This asshole with the gun decides that he's going to chase after the poor naked man and shoots at him! [First of all, what type of neighborhood is this?! And why did he think it was OK to be naked in those rough streets? Maybe homegirl should marry him because it sounds like she could use a second income to help her find a safer environment to call home.] So, the naked man went down but he only had minor injuries.

The gunman was arrested and charged with carrying a concealed weapon and aggravated assault. The naked man isn't pressing charges and there was no word on whether or not his chick will marry him..

All jokes aside, I would definitely give him some bonus points for nearly dying while convincing me to marry him. That has to count for something.

Don't believe me? Read the article for yourself

Butt tubes and the boob tube

My weekend rocked pretty hard, in case you were wondering. I went tubing for the first time. I put my lovely brown hump in a tube and floated down a river, having no clue what was ahead. There were a few dips, but it was really fun overall. One friend of mine, who I will allow to remain nameless, should have been there. And she was, but she jumped out of her tube as soon as the rest of the crew had floated just beyond a point where we could do anything to stop her. Then she hopped the bus back to the meeting point and took it easy while we faced death on the river for an hour. You couldn't really die out there, well, possibly. But I think most of us felt it was only a possibility if you fell out of your tube. One other friend of mine did fall out of his tube, and, boy, did he throw a fit. I "saved" him, although he had the tube over his head and one arm through the hole and really couldn't have went under again. It's always fun after the fact to see how people look and talk when they think the end is near. Especially when you know it isn't. But he couldn't swim and his feet weren't touching the bottom, so I can relate to the fear. My girl who jumped out of the river couldn't swim either. Regardless, tubing is fun and doesn't require swimming as long as you keep your ass in your tube.

OH! And you can drink while tubing. You're not really supposed to I don't think, but we had rum and cokes. And many other tubers had a tube just for their coolers to float in. Now, alchohol makes tubing more fun, but as you can imagine, it makes it more dangerous if you fall out and happen to be drunk. So, I say drink in moderation. No Patron and tubing. I'd say beer is a safe bet.

There were many rocks in the river I was on, and it wasn't until you bumped all up on one that you could see these creepy grey crickets that were covering the rocks. They were fearless little bastards and would jump directly at you for invading their space. I even hear that if a man were to pee on them, they may jump at his manhood. This sounds crazy, I know, but these crickets were kinda strange in appearence and behavior. And like I said, there was rum involved. My question is, why stand up to piss in a river?! LOL. You're ass is already in water. lol. But, I mean how much sense could these crickets have in those miniscule little heads of theirs? They probably jump just because and without looking where they're going. What was I talking about? Oh.. go tubing some time. [the picture above is of the river I was on, but I'm not in it. I actually don't know those ppl at all. It's not my pic, but that's where I was. And do you know that people were climbing those mountains in the background? They're crazy.]

Now, since I can tell from our last chat that people LOVE to HATE the shit I watch on TV.. I will now discuss a new show I saw last night. Ahem,

Did anyone catch the show, "How To Get The Guy" on ABC? I watched, not that I have problems in this category, but I'm thinking hey, I'm back on the dating scene again and could always use some tips. They take four educated, good looking women and try to help them meet "THE" guy, not just a guy, but a single, non-gay man in San Francisco. They give them tips on how to meet and also make them date in volumes. Shit, I already knew that. Like one of my girls said once, "dating is like shoe shopping. You have to try on lots of pairs to find the right one."

Anyway, I'm not sure how I feel about the show yet. I just thought it was interesting that they broke the four women into different personality groups like "The party girl" " The girl next door" "the career girl" and the fourth I forget. The one thing that I learned last night is that in order to get the guy that I want, I need to be within four feet of him and I need to smile and make 4 seconds of eye contact. No more! Then if I'm really desperate and he's ignoring me, I should ask a question. I'll share more tips when I get them, next week.

Now, go on about your B.I.

You know you're an asshole when

1. You have to send out an email saying "hey I hope I wasn't too much of an asshole yesterday"
2. I get online and start blogging about your ass.

So, the other night I was hanging out with some colleauges of mine. We share a profession, but don't work together. We had a few drinks and one normally irreverent writer had one too many. Now, I personally don't believe that this alcohol played a major role, but it does loosen the lips for some people.

I will call this writer out of his name so that this post doesn't appear in Google searches, see how kind I can be? His name will be Cock Sucker, c.s. for short. Okay so Cock Sucker is all about shock value. Being offensive is his shtick and it's how he pays the bills. The evening starts with us meeting at this place to play a trivia game and CS picks a team name for us that the other three guys find to be too crazy to use. In fact, they won't even tell me what it is, they're like, "You should ask CS to tell you." All I got was that it's mysognistic, racist and sexist all at the same time. I'm thinking, well I don't need to know what it is, for the sake of hanging around. Usually this is a group of at least 7 people, but no one really came this time so it's one female and three guys.

Let me cut striaight to the chase. Here are some of the comments that CS made over dinner. I'm not quoting because I was drinking and all I ate was a stupid burrito, no lunch.
1. Muslims are the scum of the Earth [He's a Jew, so the Muslim bashing was plentiful and pretty sincere sounding.]
2. In response to a guy's story about being roughed up by police, You're white so you shouldn't have to deal with that [this was prefaced with, "no offense"]
3. I want to join the Duke Lacrosse Team
4. He referred to a chick as, C-U-Next-Thursday
5. The was mention and demonstration of stabbing a vagina with a fork. I forget why.
[This list is far too short, but I can't sit here all day, you get the point.]

I will say that in general our conversation was fairly rude, especially when we discussed fat people. I know it's hard to imagine me saying rude things. When I left the spot I wasn't offended. While I was sitting there I wasn't offended. Cock Sucker makes me laugh too and we've met before so it's not like he's a total stranger, I know what he is. In fact I talked to some of the guys about it and felt that he was basically full of shit, mainly because I found it hard to believe that one person could be such an asshole. I felt it was theatric, so I didn't react to any of the offensive comments in a typical fashion because it was too cheap. Does anyone get that? Like if I were to say, well you know, CS, all Jews are going to hell so you better laugh it up now. [Which I don't believe, by the way] That would be an obvious attempt by me to offend him, which should be totally impossible. No one should fall for that easy stuff. It's silly.

Cock Sucker emailed me the next day to say that he's a big fan of making fun of everyone equally and he's not a member of the KKK. I mean, unless he's like Tyrone Biggums, I'd guess he can't be in the Klan. It wasn't an apology, which I don't want or need, it was a disclaimer. Why send that? I haven't responded. If you're reading this, feel free to give me your best if-I-were-you responses.

Anywho, I thought the guy was in rare form, and the situation was maybe a testament to why many people prefer rolling in socially segregated groups. Lately, I've been the only black female in my group when I hang out, mainly because it really doesn't matter to me as long as I'm having fun, and I hang with cool people who are still "of color". Of course, this is the only group of white people I spend time with and we're not really friends. This isn't a race issue at all, but it's a minority issue. I was in the minority which made the situation more uncomfortable. I've been wanting to invite more women and black people to join our little group, but if someone like CS is gonna go out of his way to offend people then he should die. just kidding. He could just use his inner monologue more.

OK, I have other things to do now.. talk soon.

Chris Rock killed 'Half & Half'?!

Hey,

I had a super duper weekend, in case you were wondering. I know you were. Then it came crashing down on Monday morning when I had to go to work and bring home the turkey bacon. Then to make matters worse, I was doing some research and discovered that people are saying that "Half & Half" on UPN was supposed to make the lineup for the CW, but a last minute call from Chris Rock to the president of CBS got the show canceled. Apparently, Chris felt that the boring and miserably unrealistic show "All of Us" (which just happens to star his brother Tony Rock, "Diamond" from Player's Club, Duane Martin and a kid who talks like he's reading cue cards!) deserved to stay on the air. Once his wish was granted, there was no room for "Half & Half," although I argue that they could air "Half & Half" on Sunday at 9 p.m. and push "Top Model" back to 9:30, but what do I know. So, AOL's Black Voices reported that the show got the call at the last minute that they wouldn't return. I like Chris Rock and his huge teeth, but "All of Us" sucks and I hope it gets cancelled mid-season. And I hope his brother has to move his entire family into Chris Rock's house and I hope that his kids eat all of Chris Rock's kids' cereal. And then he'll learn that if he'd let that sorry show die a silent death then his brother would have found a new job in no time.

I'd like to end with a confession, mainly because i feel no one is reading this anyway. Last week i saw Nas for the first time at a listening party for Kelis and I lusted after him. A married man! He was cute in a I-have-no-idea-how-sexy-I-am way. Oh, the new Kelis album sounded alright and the party was the best I'd been to in years because Belvedere drinks were free for 2 hours! I had another brush with celebrity on last Friday when I met T.I. I fixed the King of the South a plate of food and I fixed it with love, giving him extra potato salad (because he's a little thin). I didn't lust after T.I., in case you were wondering. But I do like thin men with lots of money, in case you know of any.

PEACE!