Kiss my juicy brown booty, work

So, I'm currently crushed with work. I'm sitting here at my desk typing vigorously, and I'm like, man I haven't blogged in forever. I was going to do it last night but my fingers and brain were too tired. Then this morning I was all focused on rushing to work so that I can do my part and break out at a decent hour. But then I was like, yo, what about me?

So, I say all that to say fuck work. I hope you're at work reading this right now. Take a break. I don't own this joint, do you own your office? I look like I'm working right now. If I get fired though, I will add a link to my paypal account and ask for donations.

I've been away because I got to go on a trip to the Bermuda Music Festival. Bermuda's lovely, but let me tell you the dirty truth about this 22-mile long stretch of dirt in the Atlantic.

A. Everything's crazy expensive AND the Bermudian dollar is equivalent to the US dollar so you ain't getting a break. It hurts more than buying Euros. I mean a loaf of bread is $4 in the store and gas is about $6-7 per gallon and burgers are $10-15 on average. I left my credit card in the room one day and rolled out with $20. I went to a museum that was wack, but cost me $10, then I stopped at this restaurant to eat.. I had like $12. Do you know that all I could afford was soup? After tax and gratuity, there was nothing on the menu that I could afford Then I got lucky and ran into the cutest couple on earth, fellow journalists.. They ate with me and paid for my soup. So I dropped cash on the tip..

B. There's no fast food on the island, with the exception of one KFC. (And I don't like fried chicken. I'm sorry, it just does nothing for me. It took me more than 20 years to make this confession. ) Now I never thought I'd give a shit about fast food, because a trip to Wendy's is like a treat to me. But when food is this expensive you find yourself wondering, "Where's the $1 menu when you need one?"

C. These people don't like fast food, but they also lack national dishes. I'm not the only person who noticed this. Bermuda lacks a definitive culture. One lady asked, "What reminds you of home if you don't have anything unique?" I mean, they don't have a style of music like the steel pans, soca, reggae, whatever. They don't have a unique dish, like shark and bake or curry chicken, although I'd give them fish soup. They have this spicy fish soup that's brown and quite tasty. The don't have a dialect, they sound totally British. It was a disappointment. But they do have Jamaican restaurants on the island, proof that Jamaicans do it better.

D. At 22 miles long, the speed limit is 20 mph. So it takes one -two hours to get across the damn island.. Geesh!

OK, I'm done talking shit about Bermuda. It's absolutely gorgeous. You don't need fast food and the lack of culture just means you can chill on the beach and not feel like you're missing some amazing tour. They have some tight caves that are worth visiting. The bus system is great and they play the radio on the bus which I think really helps you pass the time. I'll add a picture to this tomorrow... The water has like 200 ft visibilty, it's just perfect.

So, here's the type of stuff I only share w/ my blog buddies..

I come into my hotel room in the middle of the day, before dinner. I'm on the island alone, which is fine by me. But it is super romantic. My neighbors next door seem to have caught the vibe because they were are doing the horizontal mambo.. How do I know? I can hear them clear as day! At 4 p.m. in paradise you can hear a pin drop.

At first I was just curious, like what's that noise? Then I'm like, OK, I've identified the noise, now do I, A. Keep listening to see if they say something funny like, "Ride my pony!" or B. Turn on the TV and drown out the sound?

I never saw the neighbors so it's not like it'd be weird to listen. And I don't think sex is gross or anything. I actually briefly tried to imagine what they might look like and their ages... Based on what I heard they sounded like overweight people, or older people LOL. It would be like, bang bang bang, then silence, like they were tired from all that banging. LMAO. I'm so ashamed! Naw, I'm lying.

In the end, after an undisclosed amount of time, I determined that they weren't talkers and decided to turn on the TV. I'm always nervous about people hearing any noise out of my bedroom, since I'm unmarried and all. So I decided it was bad karma to listen.