Making lemonade out of a gang rape

I'd heard that Kim Roberts the other stripper, who definitely was NOT raped allegedly or otherwise by a Duke Lacrosse player, was seeking publicity. But, until I read this extract from an email she sent to 5W Public Relations (a firm that handles PR for Lil Kim and other celebs), I thought nothing of it.

From AllHipHop.com:
"Although I am no celebrity and just an average citizen, I've found myself in the center of one of the biggest stories in the country...I'm worried about letting this opportunity pass me by without making the best of it and was wondering if you had any advice as to how to spin this to my advantage. I am determined not to let any negative publicity about my life overtake me. I'm so confused as to who to talk to for relevant advice and I hope that you can return my e-mail. If you cannot help, do you know of any names and numbers I can call?"

She's a 31-year-old stripper trying to get famous (in a good way) out of a situation where her co-worker/associate may have been gang raped and at the very least was dangerously drunk. As if being an over-the-hill stripper didn't make her enough of a low-life! Clearly these girls aren't friends, but a situation like this should bring them closer. The PR firm says that they're talking with her about the situation but she isn't a client yet. They also say she's a big fan of Lil Kim. (I'm sorry I should have warned you before I dropped that stunning news, huh? I hear Lil Kim doesn't have many stripper fans.) If you've seen this Kim on TV, she's really not helping either side of the case, she's simply running her mouth offering no information that will help viewers solve the case. Maybe it's that we're from the same state, but when I heard her voice on TV I was like, I know her! Meaning I've met dozens of hers, chicks who have an inflated sense of self-esteem and could care less about other people's feelings because they know they're gonna be a superstar someday, although they have NO natural talents, practice nothing and hone zero crafts. (My hate levels are way up this week, which is why I'm on a blog vacation. And I've been pulled away from my sleep-filled vacation to talk about this chick.)

Everyone knows that trial by media comes first then whatever justice is left can be handled by the courts. But, I've gotten a good laugh out of ABC's reporter hmm.. which one, maybe Chris Cuomo? Yes. He's spent a lot of time in Durham covering the case, and he was on the air saying that what HE "wants to see" are the rape-related test results from the doctor. Um, come again? Are you a reporter or fucking Columbo? He's already seen pictures from the team's party that are evidence for the defense, and the defense's cooperation with his citizen investigation totally comes across in his coverage. If he gets to see her test results what will he do with that info, share graphic details about the status of her vaginal area with the nation? I'd be horrified for her and every woman who ever charges a good, clean college boy (who just happens to be white) with rape.

Phillips Electronics really does = simplicity

So I just learned that Phillips Electronics has paid Time Inc. $5 million dollars to move their table of contents to the front page of Time, Fortune, People and Business 2.0 magazines. I don't know about you, but I read the table of contents. I actually use it to find the articles teased in the cover lines. I mean, you're in the grocery store (a normal one, not the special-ed Safeways that I go to. It takes longer to get through line than it does to shop on ANY GIVEN DAY.) Sorry. So, you're in line and you pick up a mag because you see that something really great is inside. The fastest way to find it before your groceries reach the checkout lady is to use the TOC. But Nooooo! The TOC is buried somewhere in the first 12 pages of advertising. Some magazines (like Vogue) put their table of contents as far back as page 22!! Vibe this month has the TOC on page 14. The reason is because every advertiser knows that's what many readers are looking for so they want to be what you have to see before you get to the TOC. But the shit has gotten out of hand.

So Phillips is buying the space and including and flap ad that says: "Simplicity means not letting complexity stand in your way. It starts with the Table of Contents on the first page. And it continues with the last page where you'll see innovative products that will change the way you live." And of course, it's branded by Phillips. And then you put down the mag and run out for a simple electronic device made by Phillips.

It's really a win win. They get their prime ad space, readers get the TOC and magazines get mo money. A Time Inc. spokesperson told The Wall Street Journal that they didn't place the TOC anywhere they wouldn't have put it before. Yeah, right! For $5 million I'd tattoo a magazine's TOC on my left butt cheek. And the way Time Inc is laying staff off these days, there's no need to front.

Old-school segregation in Omaha

So, I just got word today that a school district in Omaha, Nebraska is basically re-segregating their system into three districts that are predominately white, black and Hispanic. There are four possible scenarios for the district lines, but in every one two of the districts are predominately minority. The supporters of the plan say that it gives minorities control over their own school boards and ensures that their kids aren’t shortchanged in favor of white students. The opponents of the plan say that it sets race relations back and may be un-Constitutional. In response to that, Senator Ernie Chambers, a black senator who supports the new setup, pointed out that the districts are already segregated because it stopped busing students out of their way for the sake of integration. The system already has a neighborhood schools plan in place, which many people oppose because most of America lives in segregated neighborhoods.

I don’t have a problem with this, because you wouldn’t catch me living in Omaha anyway and I don’t have kids. For me, the ideal school system is one where you can choose your school and opt to be bused out to magnet schools with special interest programs. I came up in a system like that and I'm kick ass! (sorry that just came out). What I meant to say was that I chose an all-black high school with a magnet program; it just happened to be the best high school in the state with the proudest alumni. It was the smartest move I ever made and to this day, I’m impressed with my insight. But enough about dear Dudley High. We were in need of things the district would never dream of having our white counterparts attend school without, but we still had pride. Oh, did I say enough about that?

This move in Omaha seems to be a creative solution to a problem that’s been haunting schools since people who weren’t white were allowed to learn. In Omaha, they claim that students with large non-white student populations aren’t getting the resources and quality of teachers that schools with mostly white students get. Therefore, it makes sense that if your district school board were made up of parents of the same race, you’d erase the inequality that exists. If, of course, that inequality is the result of racism. It sounds like they’re pretty sure it is, which is another issue.

This is a major set back in race relations, no doubt. While busing kinda sucks, I think we’ve seen the results of years of forced integration. Younger generations are more accepting of each other’s differences. It’s to the point where being gay is one of the biggest issues in schools these days, not being a minority. Kimora Lee Simmons just donating a lot of funding for a school that’s primarily for gay students. Yet, another form of segregation, of course, it’s all about acceptance. Neighborhood schools don’t foster acceptance and also bring socio-economic differences to the forefront. While rich kids will always standout with their fancy cars, new sneakers and high-end clothing, it will also stand out when a whole school of those kids come to your raggedy football field for a game. When their basketball team has hot, new warm-ups and you’re team is wearing that same bullshit from the 80s.

Where was I, segregation is still bad but can be good. Students should also have the choice to choose because all people aren't comfortable in homogenous all-white or all-Hispanic settings. Some people need diversity in their lives and imagine this, actually enjoy it! If schools aren’t going to be fully integrated, then these kids have to meet on a common ground somewhere. College is way too late.

[The picture above is of a Charlotte, NC student going to an "integrated" school for the first time. ]

Standing in the chow line! Good Times!

You’ve gotta read this article in the L.A. Times about Eric Monte. He’s the writer who co-created “Good Times,” wrote the “Jeffersons” spin-off episode of “All in the Family” and wrote Cooley High which “inspired” “What’s Happening!” Later in life he created “Moesha” and “The Wayans Bros.” shows. Today, 62-year-old Monte lives in a Salvation Army homeless shelter. He works on his laptop, which has something like 30 scripts and books waiting to be pitched, and he has a laser printer and a cell phone. They say that he gets residual checks sometimes but it’s just enough to cover his $300 per month shelter fees.

Apparently Eric went broke right around the time that he decided to sue ABC and CBS producers for stealing his ideas and not paying him for “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “What’s Happening.” They gave him the creator title on “What’s Happening,” but no dough. After the $400 million lawsuit came out, no one would hire Eric. He won $1 million from the suit, but blew most of it on a play that apparently sucked. The other sources in the interview said that Eric is his own worst enemy. In 2003, he got hooked on crack and really fell off. What grown-ass man develops a crack addiction in 2003!! Surely everyone had gotten the memo on crack at that point, but not Eric. “People around me were getting high on crack and I decided to give it a try, and that was a major mistake," he told the Times. "The only thing crack did for me was give me a tremendous desire for more. I did it for two years and gave it up."

But it gets worse in my opinion, well, no, not worse than crack. Anyway, he cleans himself up, leaves L.A. and moves in with his daughter. He gets $10,000 from a movie deal, I guess it was based on “Good Times,” and blows that on a self-published book that he really believed in titled Blueprint for Peace. From what I hear, this book says that to achieve world peace humanity should follow seven principles: 1. Merge all nations into one. 2. Stop making weapons of war 3. Speak ONE universal language. 4. Stop using money as the medium of exchange. 5. Forget the concept of land ownership (6.) and the concept of inheritance. 7. Control population growth. So duded didn’t sell any books at all. They say he had a booth at the L.A. Times book festival and, nothing. What does he think? "I just have to figure out how to market it," he told the Times. "I know that as soon as it starts selling, it will sell for 1,000 years."

I mean, this guy Eric is really talented. His projects prove that, so I’m not gonna knock his hustle, but I will say that this book sounds ridiculous. He should have tried to get some celebrity backing like those Scientology folks did.

Either way, the article is great. The writer spent time observing him at the shelter and talking to him. He says he’s only one script away from being back on the top, and I completely believe him. I bet he has some hot shit on that laptop. It’s a wild story, I wonder if he’s thought about writing about a guy who had tons of potential and kept making risky moves until he found himself selling scripts out of a homeless shelter in the same town where he used to be the man?

For more on Eric, in his own words, check out this interview that he did with journalist Jimi Izrael, he posted the unedited version on his site.

Wanted: small boobied, pancake bottomed Office Wife

“Out of nowhere, there she is: the work wife, the other woman your wife might just let you keep.”

What do you think about this idea of having an Office Wife or Work Husband? It sounds far worse than it actually is. A writer named Tom Prince wrote about this in the March issue of GQ, but I’m gonna provide a link to the article on a new site called Don’t Date Him Girl.com, because it’s just great. Women put up pictures and descriptions of men who have cheated on them or conned them and the guys can respond. Can someone cue the “At Last” chorus for me, please? Yes, the Etta James version.

Anyway, back to office wives and work husbands. According to Tom, this lady is the person a man shares glances with when the boss walks in looking ridiculous, saying stupid things and making unreasonable demands. Men also share inside jokes with their office wives, and (this is the part where it gets sticky) they share career-related thoughts. In the article he mentions a guy who is a TV writer and says his wife goes to sleep every time he talks about a new show idea, but his office wife was a captive audience. Also when he caught a “hate-on” for a prick who worked with him, his wife banned all talk of the dude because she got sick of hearing it. So, the TV writer leaned on his office wife who not only listened, but probably sympathized and shared hate with him. This is a normal co-worker relationship, but there’s more. They leave catch-up notes for each other if one of them is late, they text message each other during meetings, basically your work husband/office wife has your back.

The most famous office couple is Condi and George Bush.. everyone knows what that is. The longer you work together the more obvious it is. I worked with a couple that had become an old married couple.. constant bickering and always trying to wedge the innocents in between. You didn't know when they were really mad or just enjoying the excitement of playing cat and mouse, he pisses her off intentionally and she falls for it EVERY time. IT's like why let him push your buttons every time? But that's what happens when you stay in the same office too long.

I’ve never really thought about this, but the writer says he’s had like five office wives and that his wife swears that every woman should have a work husband. He says she has left a legion of heartsick work husbands behind her. I don’t really see anything wrong with this, because it happens kinda organically. I’d feel weird acknowledging a work husband though, because it just sounds wrong. But without this got-your-back relationship in an office setting, I think people would go crazy. There are so many games and alliances in offices that you need that person to confide in and share with. In fact the writer said that he became tight with his first work wife through a shared hatred for their psycho brown-nosing boss. So, I think that if you don’t have a relationship like this, then you probably don’t need one. Office wives and work husbands usually have significant others and Tom Prince said, “Every office-wife tale has certain patches of discord, but in general, if your wife is the girl you can bring home to Mom, your office wife is the woman you can bring home to your wife.”

I think that as long as this couple keeps it at work and doesn’t bring any fantasies to fruition, which Tom says just ruins it for everyone, then this is a great arrangement. It works for me, but I’m not so sure I’d be cool with my man having an office wife. I’d have to meet her and hear her name in stories at least. Then she shouldn’t be too young or have tits that are too large or a booty that’s too big. lol. But that’s the flipside, because when it comes to your real woman letting you keep your office wife, Tom says … “It should go without saying that it helps considerably when the work wife is nonthreatening in age, looks, or ass size.” Interesting he should mention that…

Gourmet poop-covered coffee beans

I wish I were making this up. In the Philippines they’re excited to discover that they can produce one of the world’s most exclusive and expensive coffee beans. What makes them so special? Well, you see, these beans have been swallowed whole, digested and crapped out by a palm civet (a cat-like animal that’s related to the mongoose, but looks like a skunk or raccoon to me). After the civet eats a red cherry that contains a coffee bean, the bean is fermented in its stomach “which gives the coffee a unique taste and aroma” according to BBC news. Hmmm… I wonder if the unique aroma smells anything like dookie, or raccoon ass? Anyway, not only are people enjoying these beans, but some people hike into the woods and search for the civet poop!!! I mean harvest these “exotic beans” that are believed to be the Philippines’ best kept secret. They scoop up fresh and stale civet poop and wash it in a stream to expose the beans, then dry the beans in the sun and ship them off. Wow. The Filipino coffee industry is hoping that this rare poop-covered bean will boost sales. The roasted beans sell for $115/kilogram. According to this article, Indonesia and Vietnam both have successful civet-poop coffee brands.
As much as I love coffee and adventure, I’m not sure I’d be able to get down with this. But, if it were for a job-related assignment that included a plane ticket and great accommodations—I’d probably down a cup. Anyone ever tried this?

D12 rapper Proof is gone

Proof was shot and killed early this morning at a club, of all places, in Detroit on Eight Mile Road called the CCC Club. I haven't heard anything on why, but reports say he was dead when he arrived at a hospital in Detroit by private car. (Good Lord, call an ambulance at least!) He suffered a fatal gun shot to the head. This was an undignified end for the 32-year-old D12 member who was just the best man for Eminem's 2-month marriage. I love the club, everyone who knows me knows I feel a special way about partying, but please don't let me die in, outside of, or even NEAR a club. If I do, let's pretend that I didn't. Deal?

Proof was Em's best buddy from way back, he was Mekhi Phifer's character in 8 Mile. He was at an illegal afterhours spot. I also read an older interview where Proof had said that his mother runs an after hours spot in Detroit, but I don't know if it was her spot that he was shot at. There was another man shot in the head at the club this morning, and he's in critical condition, but still alive. Some say it could be Bizarre of D12, that's the fat guy, but Interscope records confirmed that Bizarre wasn't even in Detroit last night, he was in Atlanta. So, don't believe the rumors. I'm stunned and disappointed by this news. I'm just sitting here thinking, WHHHHHYYYYY!!!!????? And I'm not even a fan, it's just that gun violence is out of hand. For every rapper shot, how many regular dudes have been lost?

A few quick things

Before I hit the party trail for the weekend..

I just HAVE to discuss "Black and White" because they finally gave me what I'd been waiting for all this time - the Black mom Renee(?) dressed in white makeup.. And boy do I feel like an asshole for anticipating it. FIRST of all, this bitch talks all that shit about the white family not getting "it" and trying to point out who's racist, when HER ass goes into white makeup and makes no attempt to change her speech pattern. I really dislike the notion of "speaking black" but in this situation, she really communicated like a black woman. Just in her tone and word choice.. she didn't fit in- not to even mention her fucked up skintone. Then she tried scrapbooking and all these Martha Stewart activities.. she didn't even know what the hell scrapbooking was! Why would you expect to make a connection with a group of people if you don't share their interests? Does she think skin color is THAT powerful? Renee is like Bruno in many ways, because she thinks that Carmen represents all white women.. at least that's what I'm seeing.

Did someone say "Bruno?" Oh, because his ass was rubbing my nerves once again. He had to hang out with what he calls, "ebonic speaking black people" which was a major problem. They were smoking and drinking and playing this strange game called "dominoes" or "dominoes, mutha fucka!" (at times). Dude had a look on his face like there was dog shit in the room. But his real problem wasn't the black people it was the smoking and drinking, he doesn't get down like that.

And my girl showed her first signs of jungle fever on the last episode. (Am I the only one who thinks she is a lot like that character Katie on Dave Chappelle's "Mad Real World" skit? Where the white guy has to live in a house with black people and they sleep with his girlfriend and stab his dad? ) Anyway, I knew that shit was coming. I'm just glad she didn't fall for the 16-year-old Eigth Grader!

OK.. there must be something else going on in the world. This really isn't even what I signed on to discuss.. But I do want to share one more thing. Yesterday was a bad day for me.. for various reasons. But mainly I woke up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed. So everyday I park in a garage and there's a woman who parks there with me. She drives a hummer. No prob. Not an H3.. a huge Desert Storm Hummer. But yesterday I came face to face with her while waiting for the elevator and almost wanted to confront her ass. Like, Excuse, me. Could you please tell me why you drive that monstrous vehicle and park in the fucking handicap space?!!! PLEASE! What handicap person can ride in that thing? You're obviously not handicap so go ahead, tell me who is? And when do they ever get in your car?! But, of course, I didn't say anything to her. I just got on the elevator and realized that I was going to have a bad day. I mean, I know and have known a lot of handicap people, and if the disability keeps them from walking normally, they usually have problems getting into high profile vehicles. Not to mention that there's no chance person in a wheelchair could lift himself that high. But, on a good day I just laugh at how she's gotten over on the system.

So.. Georgia representative Cynthia McKinney issued her apology on the house floor yesterday. She said that there shouldn't have been any physical contact in the incident with the Capitol Hill cop. (No shit, thanks for joining us in the land of reality.) And she said, "I am sorry that this misunderstanding happened at all, and I regret its escalation. And I apologize." I hear that this took place after a meeting the night before with the Congressional Black Caucus. I wonder what they said.. maybe "Girl, will you stop rocking the boat?" "Do you want massa to beat you?" "They may throw your ass in jail and then you know Black Americans don't need any more bad press!" It's just kinda funny that this woman's behavior became an issue that her black congressional peers had to step in to handle. In a way, it shows that they are a community and look out for each other. But in another way it shows that they hate seeing the race card played as much as the group it's typically pulled out against, white people.

I have to admit that I kinda winced when she tried to make it out to be a racially motivated incident. It very well could have been, but you can't say that the copy wouldn't have done the same to someone of his own race. Cops are jerks in general- yeah I said it! Kinda like that cop that tried to give Harold a J-walking ticket in Harold & Kumar go to White Castle. And with that digression, I think I'm done.

I will be at the Cherry Blossom festival on Saturday at the J-Pop stage. Please come by and listen to Japanese pop music with me if you're in the area... mainly because misery loves company. Also, do rent Suicide Club. A Japanese film about kids killing themselves in large numbers.. it was a wonderful mix of blood, strange behavior and funny moments. My favorite line, "I want to die. You want to watch me!?" delivered by a school girl who appears to not have a care in the world, much less any reason to kill herself. Maybe something got lost in translation.

The Man = Iceberg Slim

So, I went to see Dave Chappelle last night. Hopefully people who were there can help me share this wonderful experience. I'm having problems remembering stuff. He was funny.. of course. It was a free performance, the one he told Oprah he wanted to do. He donated 100 percent of the ticket sales to his high school Duke Ellington in DC. It's a performing arts school, and we had to watch a video about it before we could see Dave Chappelle. I was like, damn, I already donated $50, now I have to watch a recruitment video?! Naw, just kidding, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside to see the yutes that will hopefully benefit from the show.

I know you don't give a shit about that.. Here's some of what Dave said:
Selling oranges is an authentic Mexican hustle.
Even if a brother went to see Brokeback Mountain he wouldn't rave about it in the babershop.
Crystal Meth is God's punishment to white people...
It doesn't look as funny on screen, you should have been there.

He told a great joke about a fight he got into while high on weed with a white dude who was high on crystal meth. He said it was like 8 black dudes( including Dave) who jumped him and they fought for like 40 mins. But the white dude couldn't feel a thing and took them all on. Then they got tired and invited the white guy to get something to eat with them under the condition that he stop calling them n-ggers, cause they don't like that. The white dude was like, I'm sorry n-gger, I can't help it. I'm only 11.
OH, he gave a hilarious observation of the show "Cheaters" that was great.

Dave nearly gave a guy sitting two people away from me an asthma attack. He couldn't catch his breath because he was laughing so hard, even when Dave wasn't saying anything. Think, Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor when [ironically] Dave Chappelle was on stage.

Then he had this line "It's not funny, but it's interesting." He used that when he talked about his situation with Comedy Central. He talked about being in Africa. He told a long story about a book he read that was written by a pimp named Iceberg Slim who lived in the 40s- 50s. He said that reading that book helped him understand the entertainment industry. Basically industry rule No. 4080 also applies to comedy. Dave ended on a story of how Iceberg conned a ho into staying with him far longer than she should, knowing that she was near her wits end. Because according to Dave, since I haven't read the book and don't believe in research, every ho is good for a certain number of fucks before she losses it. And anyway, the moral of the story is that the industry is basically a pimp. So are our bosses. We're basically all hos. He didn't tell us how to end this cycle of abuse, but he did say that once you understand human nature the way pimps do, that you'll do one of two things: 1. Go crazy or 2. Get your money right. Dave talks about "them" a lot, the man is a pimp to him. I think everyone wants to know who "they" are by name, but I'm starting to feel like there aren't any individuals. I think at first there were, but now Dave sees them all as part of one big system..

I agree with Dave, a lot of his shit, especially what he ended the show with, wasn't funny- just interesting. Overall, dude seems ready to get back to work. And he knows that life could be so much worse. I have a hard time believing that you can travel to Africa (not to insinuate that the entire continent is underdeveloped) and not feel stupid for wigging out over the complications from a 50 million dollar deal. He made a joke about that too.

Lastly, this dude at Slate claims that Dave's problem is that he can't escape white people. Why would he want to do that? I think this idea is kinda bullshit. I think the observations made in the article are good, but the headline seems to be created by an editor who just doesn't get it. They must really think Dave's crazy. Go here to read it: http://www.slate.com/id/2139034/

The worst hair day ever

And people think that women take their hair too seriously. Georgia Representative Cynthia McKinney caught hell from a balding radio personality for having an extremely bad hair day. I'm not sure which style Boortz was commenting on when he said her hairstyle showed contempt for her position. I found two pictures.. and I'll just provide a link or two for your reading pleasure.

Here are the major points:
Representative allegedly slaps a cop for grabbing at her and trying to stop her on her way into the Longworth House Office Building.
The cop says he didn't recognize her because she changed her hair and had been wearing braids for the last decade I guess.
Then the balding radio dude gets extremely carried away and compares her to the type of young ladies he probably spends time with weekends. He called her hairdo "ghetto trash" and says she looks like a "welfare drag queen" now this is just silly.
But Media Matters for America reports that he basically said this stuff to give Media Matters something to write about.. As if there isn't enough unbalanced conservative journalism out there to keep those folks busy.

Her original hairstyle looked great, um this other picture I only hope it's been altered for the Web. Good Lord, who'd leave the house looking that way? And she's on her way to a PRESS CONFERENCE??!! Is she on sleeping pills or what? But it was a sharp hairdo in the beginning. And neither styles make her look like a slut or a ghetto slut or a welfare recipient, these comments are just flat out ignorant. Her hair simply looks crazy, like she could be down on her luck...and possibly homeless. There I said it. But her clothing clearly signifies that she's a working woman. (Not a "working" woman, but you know what I mean.) She looks professional to me. Reminds me of a chemistry teacher I had in high school, boy her hair was a disaster ever day of the week.